Cranky babies, vampires, and the subconscious

The last few days I have been feeling completely drained.  Yesterday, Ella received another set of vaccinations and Joe and I discovered her first tooth popping through.  This has been making her very cranky, and in turn, I have been feeling more and more like I may explode.  She has a runny nose and I try to clean her face, she screams.  I go to change a very poopy diaper, again she screams.  She takes a bath every night, and every night I put her lotion on, put on her pajamas, and brush her hair; this is something I know she expects, but she still protests, as if this a completely new and puzzling experience.  Needless to say, her behavior lately, has been sucking out the fun and enthusiasm I normally have for motherhood.   

I try exceptionally hard, to be patient and compassionate.  So much so, that I'm trying to solve these problems in my dreams.  This afternoon, while taking a nap, I had the strangest dream about vampires, Ella, and lot's of other crazy stuff that would make no sense to anyone, not even my own conscious mind.  When I awoke, I thought to myself, "what was that about?"  So I began to analyze my own dream.  What could it mean? 

There are a few main points:
1.  Ella became a vampire, but at the end of the dream, it turned out she wasn't a vampire at all, and she ended up saving the day.  (How an 8 month old achieved such a feat, I don't know, but anything is possible within the mind.)

2.  There were many rooms and corridors in the dream.


3.  There was a large fire and also quite a conflict, and oddly this annoying rottweiler who always jumped in our yard to play in the pool.  So random. 

What a gather from these parts of the dream was rather interesting.  My very own mind was trying to work out the conflicting feelings, I was experiencing about my dealings, with Ella. 

Here's my final analysis. 

In almost every vampire story, a few things are true: 1) vampires drain people, animals, ect., to survive, 2) they never "sleep", and 3) they can be quite mysterious. 
Here my brain was comparing Ella to a vampire (morbid as that seems).  I have been struggling with feeling overwhelmed, Ella isn't sleeping well, and I have difficulty at times, figuring out exactly what I can do to help her understand or just feel better. 

The many corridors and rooms, was symbolic of my brain searching for different solutions to my dilemma. 

The most obvious was the conflict, the vampires vs. us humans.  Before I went to sleep I was feeling very conflicted.  I love Ella dearly, but I was struggling with feeling very tired of her, which makes me feel terrible. 

In the end, it was all a big ruse.  Ella was still a human and she actually saved the day and tricked the other vampires.  I feel this was my brain's way of discovering that things are not "always what they seem," and that "this too shall pass." 

That is the conclusion I have come to.  At the end of a couple of long, laborious days, Ella will return to her normal, sunny self, but she will also have bad days, and that will end as quickly as it begins. 

As odd as the dream was, my subconscious put it all together and worked out the conflict within me, and I had to do nothing but sleep.  Pretty interesting stuff. 

I do not believe dreams hold prophecies or answers from above, but they do help us figure out our own conflicts and if one is paying attention, what is really bothering us.

I have been rambling on now, for some time, but I thought the dream was really interesting, so I'd thought I'd share. 

I love my little girl, she is amazing, wonderful, beautiful, and perfectly herself.  I just hope that my frustration with her can be forgiven.  I always make it a point to apologize for my cranky behavior at the end of the day, and let her no I'm not perfect, but that I wish I could be for her. 

There is so much to learn when it comes to being a mother.  I thank my little girl, for giving me the time, to learn it all. 

She really has saved me and she saves me every day effortlessly.

Labels

There was a time where I fancied myself an intellectual, a tragic poet, but now I realize there is no label for who I have become.  There are days when I wish I was an edgy artist or a high fashion, New York City girl, but my traditional and somewhat practical nature allows it not. 

My mind is filled with the "Sound of Music."  I am not a progressive person unless it comes to my ideals.  My heart will always lie in the more simple times. 

I find myself running up hills, singing in the sun.

It's funny, I have a feeling Ella will be the same way too.

All hail the sun.  Voices.  Song.
The song of ourselves. 

And wonderful, gorgeous, dedicated husbands. 

Introduce Ella to as many animals as possible.

So Ella has met exotic animals at the zoo, become all too familiar with domestic animals, a la Cosmo and the dog park, and yesterday she learned about animals with wings. 

There is this incredible little place in Central Salem, where hundreds of geese, ducks, and pigeons hang out, and people can feed them. 

I have to say, I was slightly intimidated by the 20 or so geese circling me, to receive a bit of bread.

Even so, I found it appropriate to get down to eye level.

There were a few geese brave enough to eat from my hand.

I pointed out the baby geese to Ella.  They were so adorable.  There soft down, had not yet turned into the feathers of the adults.

This goose gave Joe a nice hiss when he got too close to one of the babies.

It was truly inspiring to see all the birds living together in harmony.  It gives me faith that one day, humans may be able to live similarly. 

I really hope Ella enjoyed herself.  I want to go back and just watch their behavior, it is so fascinating.

What little girls are made of...

What are little girls made of?

Sugar and spice,

And everything nice,

That's what little girls are made of.

 My little Ella's nursery.  This is what my little girl is made of. 

Cotton Candy Skies

When I look at the sky, on a night like this...

I am uniquely aware of my connection to the infinite. 

It is pure meditation.