2011

I'm not a big fan of the new year's resolution.  Often, if not most of the time, within the first couple of months I completely forget my goals and things are right back where they started at the end of the previous year.  Alas, this year, I realize the necessity of adhering to a few goals that I am going to set for myself.  So here it goes...

What I wish to work on this year:

1. Stress reduction and management

I do believe it is highly possible to control the amount of stress in my life.  My plan is to enact strategies that will help me to create a more peaceful and balanced environment.

This would include: 

• more leisurely walks by myself

• spa nights where I pamper myself with a relaxing bath full of aromatherapy, candle light, and facials

• daily meditation
• daily stretching, yoga, or something of the sort
• less negative stimulation i.e. television, loud music, barking 
• quiet
• letting go of unrealistic expectations and embracing my limitations
• drinking more water
• eating healthy
• rewarding and fun activities outside the house, to do by myself
• getting organized
• trying daily to not sweat the small stuff
• surrounding myself with positive people, things, and entertainment
  

 

2. Getting Organized

I wrote this twice, because it is so vital to my sanity.

3. Continue to try to transcend my normal thinking patterns and reach optimal self-awareness.

 Basically, constantly be aware of my spiritual being and it's propensity for love, kindness, and charity.

That's basically it, really.  My goals are the same as last year.  Finish school with a GPA of 3.5 or above (preferably above), be better about managing money, and love my little girl and husband with all that I am.

I'm sure there will be many more things that pop up along the way, but at this point in my life, these are the things that I think about the most.

Namaste

May peace be with you on this journey we call life.

Letters to my daughter 1

Dearest Ella,

When you get older, there is something I wish to give to you; when you get past the tumultuous, second-guessing, and confusing time of your adolescence, and you begin to see that it is possible your mom may know something (and perhaps may be cool again), I want to give you a picture.  I want to give you a photograph from your youth that embodies your true spirit; a photograph that radiates the pure, amazing, beautiful, and unique creature that you are.  My hope and wish is that when you are angry or sad or disappointed, or the pain seems too difficult to bear, you can reach into your pocket and pull out this picture, and it will bring you comfort and resolve.  I hope that when things get rough, this picture will remind you of the nature of your true being.  That you will be able to look at this picture, and say, “I’m doing this for you, the sweet, free child that I was and am.”  Life may cause you pain, bring tragedy, and sometimes it may feel as if you are shattered, but I hope this gift will remind you that you will never be lost.  You will never be lost, because the you that exists is infinite.  It cannot be destroyed by the darkness of this world, for in you, exists an eternal light.  My main purpose of this gift is to remind you to never lose sight of who you really are.  As hard as it may seem, do not let the things of this world stifle the fire within you.  They are just things, and all things die, but the truth of your spirit is forever.  I love you with all of myself, my dearest heart.  Please be gentle, loving, and kind to yourself-you are a creature of divine creativity, un-ending possibility, and immense love.  Bring with you peace and peace will bless your life, make forever friends with love and love with bloom and grow all around you, look with awe and wonder at the world and the world will always be wondrous: you are a child of the earth, a being of the universe, and my most precious gift.  Never forget your inner being, for it is far brighter than the stars, and without you, who will illuminate the darkness of the night?  I love you far beyond the confines of the word.  Thank you for blessing my life.  You returned me to myself.

Forever your adoring mother,

Mom

P.S. This isn't the picture I would use, but it is a favorite tender moment of mine.  Cheers.

Reality as it relates to creativity

As I was searching my way through different blogs today, I couldn't help but be amazed at the level of creativity of some of my fellow bloggers.  I thought, wow, I wish I could have a tricked out blog, with a different background every week; I wish I could have such inspired home made gift ideas.  After a few minutes of pondering my own inadequacies, I realized, that I am my own worst enemy.  What I mean is that I often stifle my own creativity because for the longest time, I believed that creativity = 100% originality.  As I was searching through the blogs, I began to see a lot of the same basic concepts, but with personal tweeks.

That was my aha! moment.

All creativity comes from something that has already been created.  A painter doesn't look at a landscape and say I can't paint it, because trees have already been painted.  It's the fresh new perspective that allows for creativity.  I don't know why I allowed this ridiculous idea to stay fermenting in my brain, but hopefully with this realization, I can put those old, idle thoughts to bed.

"Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is non-existent. And don’t bother concealing your thievery - celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: “It’s not where you take things from - it’s where you take them to."
— Jim Jarmusch

10 reasons I love having a daughter

1.  I can put cute bows in her hair

2. And pink shoes on her feet

3. She is not afraid to get dirty.

4. Whenever she is excited about something, I hear this feminine, high pitched voice exclaim, "oh."  It melts my heart.

5. She has the gentleness of a women the ferocity and she always know what she wants.

6. She will never be to cool for her mom or our adventures.

7. She is kind to animals and can't get enough of them.

8. She loves nature: she picks up leaves and sways to the whispering of the trees.  The other night she pointed out the moon to me.  I was amazed at how observant she is.  So we spent some time outside staring at the stars. And now, whenever I ask her where the stars are, she points at the sky.

9.  She already has to carry around her favorite accessories.  Preparing for the day, when she will carry a purse.

                                                                    (note the fork and spoon)

10.  She reminds me of the adventurous, pure, free-spirited girl that I was.  Which just pushes me harder to give her every opportunity to excel where I have made mistakes and teach her to love, respect, and cherish the child she is and the woman she will become.

Living...Learn about my daughter

She is self-motivated, eager to learn, and enjoys challenges.
It seems the more she can't do something the harder she tries.
When mastering a skill, it is all she can think about: which is why we had problems with her sleep, she would awake in the night, because she felt she had to master those first year skills.  Now that she's walking, she sleeps through the night. 

She is the most observant little child.  At four months, she noticed when her daddy changed his hair.  At three months, she was paying attention to the food that we ate, she even wanted to try it.

She has the most wonderful sense of humor.  There have been times, when sitting across from me at the dinner table, she has made the funniest facial expressions and noises and the more I laugh the more she performs, she enjoys the sounds of laughter.

She's fearless.

At 10 months old, she loves the water, even went rafting down the willamette river.

She is a true adventurer.

She loves dancing, books, music, and making mischief.

There has been so much that I have learned about my darling little girl.  But what I have noticed most is her intuitive, good-hearted nature.Without prompting, she gives kisses, and lately, when I hold her and pat her back, she pats mine.  It is the sweetest little gesture.  It shows me that already, she is capable of reciprocating comforting, loving actions on her own.  That loving others is something that she desires. 

She is so full of life.  What a lucky mommy I am. 

Having a baby was the best thing I ever did.  Having Ella was best gift the earth has ever given. 

Cranky babies, vampires, and the subconscious

The last few days I have been feeling completely drained.  Yesterday, Ella received another set of vaccinations and Joe and I discovered her first tooth popping through.  This has been making her very cranky, and in turn, I have been feeling more and more like I may explode.  She has a runny nose and I try to clean her face, she screams.  I go to change a very poopy diaper, again she screams.  She takes a bath every night, and every night I put her lotion on, put on her pajamas, and brush her hair; this is something I know she expects, but she still protests, as if this a completely new and puzzling experience.  Needless to say, her behavior lately, has been sucking out the fun and enthusiasm I normally have for motherhood.   

I try exceptionally hard, to be patient and compassionate.  So much so, that I'm trying to solve these problems in my dreams.  This afternoon, while taking a nap, I had the strangest dream about vampires, Ella, and lot's of other crazy stuff that would make no sense to anyone, not even my own conscious mind.  When I awoke, I thought to myself, "what was that about?"  So I began to analyze my own dream.  What could it mean? 

There are a few main points:
1.  Ella became a vampire, but at the end of the dream, it turned out she wasn't a vampire at all, and she ended up saving the day.  (How an 8 month old achieved such a feat, I don't know, but anything is possible within the mind.)

2.  There were many rooms and corridors in the dream.


3.  There was a large fire and also quite a conflict, and oddly this annoying rottweiler who always jumped in our yard to play in the pool.  So random. 

What a gather from these parts of the dream was rather interesting.  My very own mind was trying to work out the conflicting feelings, I was experiencing about my dealings, with Ella. 

Here's my final analysis. 

In almost every vampire story, a few things are true: 1) vampires drain people, animals, ect., to survive, 2) they never "sleep", and 3) they can be quite mysterious. 
Here my brain was comparing Ella to a vampire (morbid as that seems).  I have been struggling with feeling overwhelmed, Ella isn't sleeping well, and I have difficulty at times, figuring out exactly what I can do to help her understand or just feel better. 

The many corridors and rooms, was symbolic of my brain searching for different solutions to my dilemma. 

The most obvious was the conflict, the vampires vs. us humans.  Before I went to sleep I was feeling very conflicted.  I love Ella dearly, but I was struggling with feeling very tired of her, which makes me feel terrible. 

In the end, it was all a big ruse.  Ella was still a human and she actually saved the day and tricked the other vampires.  I feel this was my brain's way of discovering that things are not "always what they seem," and that "this too shall pass." 

That is the conclusion I have come to.  At the end of a couple of long, laborious days, Ella will return to her normal, sunny self, but she will also have bad days, and that will end as quickly as it begins. 

As odd as the dream was, my subconscious put it all together and worked out the conflict within me, and I had to do nothing but sleep.  Pretty interesting stuff. 

I do not believe dreams hold prophecies or answers from above, but they do help us figure out our own conflicts and if one is paying attention, what is really bothering us.

I have been rambling on now, for some time, but I thought the dream was really interesting, so I'd thought I'd share. 

I love my little girl, she is amazing, wonderful, beautiful, and perfectly herself.  I just hope that my frustration with her can be forgiven.  I always make it a point to apologize for my cranky behavior at the end of the day, and let her no I'm not perfect, but that I wish I could be for her. 

There is so much to learn when it comes to being a mother.  I thank my little girl, for giving me the time, to learn it all. 

She really has saved me and she saves me every day effortlessly.

Motivation

Mornings are the hardest part of the day for Joe and I.  Last Friday, I became completely sick of it.  So I woke Joe up, said let's go to Starbuck's, get something quick to eat and take a long walk in the park.  I had to break up the long, lingering process of getting up and around that we had become accustomed to. 

Every day is a learning process.  It seems Joe and I are constantly revising what works for us.  But that's okay; that's what life is about.

Mornings are getting better, I am realizing that it is important to get up, and get moving.

Since summer is almost here, I figure a walk every morning with dear, sweet Ella is the perfect thing.

The sun motivates me into action and after a night with interrupted sleep, motivation is just what I need.