Cranky babies, vampires, and the subconscious

The last few days I have been feeling completely drained.  Yesterday, Ella received another set of vaccinations and Joe and I discovered her first tooth popping through.  This has been making her very cranky, and in turn, I have been feeling more and more like I may explode.  She has a runny nose and I try to clean her face, she screams.  I go to change a very poopy diaper, again she screams.  She takes a bath every night, and every night I put her lotion on, put on her pajamas, and brush her hair; this is something I know she expects, but she still protests, as if this a completely new and puzzling experience.  Needless to say, her behavior lately, has been sucking out the fun and enthusiasm I normally have for motherhood.   

I try exceptionally hard, to be patient and compassionate.  So much so, that I'm trying to solve these problems in my dreams.  This afternoon, while taking a nap, I had the strangest dream about vampires, Ella, and lot's of other crazy stuff that would make no sense to anyone, not even my own conscious mind.  When I awoke, I thought to myself, "what was that about?"  So I began to analyze my own dream.  What could it mean? 

There are a few main points:
1.  Ella became a vampire, but at the end of the dream, it turned out she wasn't a vampire at all, and she ended up saving the day.  (How an 8 month old achieved such a feat, I don't know, but anything is possible within the mind.)

2.  There were many rooms and corridors in the dream.


3.  There was a large fire and also quite a conflict, and oddly this annoying rottweiler who always jumped in our yard to play in the pool.  So random. 

What a gather from these parts of the dream was rather interesting.  My very own mind was trying to work out the conflicting feelings, I was experiencing about my dealings, with Ella. 

Here's my final analysis. 

In almost every vampire story, a few things are true: 1) vampires drain people, animals, ect., to survive, 2) they never "sleep", and 3) they can be quite mysterious. 
Here my brain was comparing Ella to a vampire (morbid as that seems).  I have been struggling with feeling overwhelmed, Ella isn't sleeping well, and I have difficulty at times, figuring out exactly what I can do to help her understand or just feel better. 

The many corridors and rooms, was symbolic of my brain searching for different solutions to my dilemma. 

The most obvious was the conflict, the vampires vs. us humans.  Before I went to sleep I was feeling very conflicted.  I love Ella dearly, but I was struggling with feeling very tired of her, which makes me feel terrible. 

In the end, it was all a big ruse.  Ella was still a human and she actually saved the day and tricked the other vampires.  I feel this was my brain's way of discovering that things are not "always what they seem," and that "this too shall pass." 

That is the conclusion I have come to.  At the end of a couple of long, laborious days, Ella will return to her normal, sunny self, but she will also have bad days, and that will end as quickly as it begins. 

As odd as the dream was, my subconscious put it all together and worked out the conflict within me, and I had to do nothing but sleep.  Pretty interesting stuff. 

I do not believe dreams hold prophecies or answers from above, but they do help us figure out our own conflicts and if one is paying attention, what is really bothering us.

I have been rambling on now, for some time, but I thought the dream was really interesting, so I'd thought I'd share. 

I love my little girl, she is amazing, wonderful, beautiful, and perfectly herself.  I just hope that my frustration with her can be forgiven.  I always make it a point to apologize for my cranky behavior at the end of the day, and let her no I'm not perfect, but that I wish I could be for her. 

There is so much to learn when it comes to being a mother.  I thank my little girl, for giving me the time, to learn it all. 

She really has saved me and she saves me every day effortlessly.

Motivation

Mornings are the hardest part of the day for Joe and I.  Last Friday, I became completely sick of it.  So I woke Joe up, said let's go to Starbuck's, get something quick to eat and take a long walk in the park.  I had to break up the long, lingering process of getting up and around that we had become accustomed to. 

Every day is a learning process.  It seems Joe and I are constantly revising what works for us.  But that's okay; that's what life is about.

Mornings are getting better, I am realizing that it is important to get up, and get moving.

Since summer is almost here, I figure a walk every morning with dear, sweet Ella is the perfect thing.

The sun motivates me into action and after a night with interrupted sleep, motivation is just what I need.

The Verdict is in...

It's 10:48 and I'm up reading "The Fussy Baby Book," when it finally hits me. As a new mom, I have wrestled with every decision regarding Ella's care, I have second guessed myself to death, but the answer has always been right in front of me. All along, my instinct was driving my decisions. I can't believe I ever thought I shouldn't respond to Ella's cries. Not that she would let me anyway, but I realize now, ever fiber in my being screams out, "protect that baby, NOW!" I have decided, that is how it should be. More than anything, I want to be there for her. I want to be a source of security and comfort. She needs to know she can trust and that she is loved. When I am exhausted, this is harder to do, but imagining that she would ever, for an instant, feel like I wasn't there for her tears me apart. No more second guessing, we women are built with an internal alarm, when our children cry, that alarm sounds full blast. Why should it not? 

She is mine, my flesh and blood, she is my precious little angel, and the last thing I would want is to become desensitized to her needs. This makes me think, that already, Ella has taught me so much. I am glad that this high-need baby is my first, because she prepares the way for any others to get the best care possible. I am slowly learning to put my needs away on a back shelf, slowly learning to trust my own feelings, and learning from this great blessing, Ella, that I desire to nurture her with all my heart. Her well being is my greatest priority.