Embrace the dysfunction.

One never knows where enlightenment will come from. I had absolutely no idea, when I turned on the tv to channel 181, I would find some comfort from the show "Flipping Out" with Jeffrey Lewis. Thank god for the neurotic, obsessive compulsive, no-nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is Jeffrey and his hilarious and witty staff. He embraces his dysfunction and makes no excuse for it. I love it!!! The show reminds me of my own family and makes me appreciate them even more. I am also thrilled that there are still authentic people left, he doesn't need eccentric clothes or make-up to be original, his personality speaks for itself. That has always been my motto, it's not on the outside that makes us unique, it's the craziness on the inside. Thank you Bravo, for making this show, and reminding me how much I adore the dysfunction. I love this show!!!! It's one of my new favorites. Here's a little clip, it's certainly not for everyone, but it hits right home for me.

Hair

Looking through old pictures, I realize that I have had every hair color possible. I've had light red, deep red, real red, black, brown, light blond, platinum, and so many more. And once again, I have decided I need a change. It is a lot of work to keep up on hair color and in the spirit of fall, colder weather, and less sunshine, I have decided to dye my hair to as close to natural as I can-so I can grow it out-no more hair dye hassels. So mousy-brown here I come!!! This is the color closest to my natural...

















And to finish it off, I will be cutting it. I love this haircut, I haven't had bangs in years.


Change is a coming. Here I go.

What matters most...

I went to my 37 week check-up today, 11 days since my last, and I haven't gained a pound! Not even an ounce! The weight gain is finally over!!! Hooray! But that's not what matters most (although it is quite a relief).


What matters most:
My relationship with my mother.

1. She has always been my best friend, my biggest advocate, my cheerleader, my rock. Whenever I need to talk, she is there. Whenever I need to vent, she listens. Whenever I need someone to understand, she tries to.
2. Thank you mom. Thank you for taking me to tea rooms, where I grew to love finger sandwiches and jasmine tea. Thank you for sharing your love of botanical gardens and spending afternoons enjoying them with me. Thank you for acting goofy and silly, for dancing wildly to "Heart," and teaching me about love and the importance of it penetrating every area of my life. Thank you for teaching me to hate what is bad and love what is good. Thank you for being Unique. Thoughtful. Selfless. Creative. Kind. Sassy. and My partner in crime. I love you with all my heart.

My relationship with my husband.

• He has loved me as I am, right from the start. He tries to give me everything, when all I want is him. He comes with me to every doctors appointment, even the not so fun ones, and he stays right by my side. He doesn't judge me for my failings or run from my rants and raves. He listens patiently and genuinely tries to help. He gives to everyone. He is the most loving person I have ever known.
• Thank you my dear sweet husband. Thank you for reminding me that there is light, when sometimes all I see is darkness. Thank you for reinstilling the trust I had lost in all of humanity. Thank you for being a man I could truly respect and adore. Thank you for trying so hard to understand how complicated I am. Thank you for the laughter and thank you for the love. Thank you for being Amazingly Creative. Loving. Genuine. Giving. Hilarious. Silly. Sensitive. Adventurous. and the father of our lovely daughter Ella. Couldn't have done it without you. You are my heart.
  

And we both look very European in this picture.

My relationship with Cosmo, my poochy.

• He has taught me about patience, consistency, and unconditional love. He crawls into my lap when I cry and kisses me. He has given me a glimpse into his world, a world of dogs, their language, their motivations, and their loyalty. We have shared many adventures and he always has energy for more. I have watched him grow, conquer fears, and make doggy friends. He knows me better than most and he doesn't even understand my language.

Thank you Cosmo. Thank you for showing me my weaknesses and pushing me to overcome them. Thank you for renewing my love of nature, long walks, and thank you for making me laugh. You are such a goofy dog. Thank you for giving me the chance to do it right the next time. Thank you for being Goofy. Inquisitive. Energetic. Loyal. A Canine. Playful. Smart. And a good Friend. Thank you for showing me I always have more to learn. You will always be my first, "baby." My relationship with Ella, my daughter, scheduled to arrive any day now.

• She has given me so much and she isn't even born. I have touched on this in previous blogs and can't wait to expound on it in the future. Hopefully she and I can be as close as my mother and I are. Thank you Ella, for an end in sight. Pregnancy is very tiring. Thank you Ella, you are a part of me.

My relationship with myself.

• I am glad to be socially conscience and aware. Even though being sensitive has been a curse at times, I wouldn't change the innate love I have for every being, non-being, and idea. I have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge and LOVE to learn. I may have let myself down in the past but I never stay down for long. I am a fighter. A soldier. A child of the sixties born 30 yrs too late. Wild yet cautious. Introspective. A mystery to even myself sometimes. I wouldn't have it any other way. And most importantly a work in progress. Me. I am only me and that is beautiful.

Other things that matter most.

• My relationship with the earth-the eternal mother.
• My relationship with humanity-my link to the bigger picture.
• Love
• My dad of course and my brother. (They are certainly not afterthoughts.)

And peace baby! Peace!

Four more weeks...

I have four more weeks (give or take a week) of pregnancy and I refuse to gain another pound. Soon my body will be mine again, which I know will be bittersweet because Ella will be out in the world with it's many dangers, but at least I will be able to focus on getting back into a size 4. The end is a strange feeling. With it comes apprehension, excitement, fear. Part of me wishes that I was 2o weeks again, halfway through pregnancy, with so much time to prepare. I fear bringing a child into this world, it can be a heartless place, and I just hope that I can protect her and give her the skills to become a loving, resilient, and strong woman. Naturally, I aspire to give her better than what I had, I just hope I have the wisdom to know what that is, and always, always be patient with her, and celebrate her individuality. There is an incredible amount of things to think about. Joe and I have talked about parenting a lot lately, we've talked about our fears, what we want her to know, and how we can best instill healthy, positive self-esteem. We won't be perfect but I know we are going to work our butts off at doing our best. What a long, strange trip it's been. I feel more emotional than ever, every little kick and punch both pains and warms my heart, for soon she will be seperate from me, and the process of letting go will have to begin. I'm not sure who to thank for this experience. All I know is, I have grown more as an individual in these nine months, than in the 24 previous years. I guess I can thank her for that. Every moment she's been with me I have had a glimpse at the bigger picture, not one full of logic and reason, but the one based soley on love.

"Fear" Sarah Mclachlan

This song is so haunting, I cried. This is a new favorite of mine.

Ode to the color red

Sometimes I find myself so passionate about things. Yesterday I was thinking of the color red, I was cooking dinner, and I began chopping a tomato when I became awestruck, once again, with the color. And I started thinking of all the things that I love that are red, the power the color holds, and how, it's been my favorite color for as long as I can remember.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RED~you are a lover's muse

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the gift of life.

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A rare sunset. ~~

a beautiful rose,

~~~~~~~~

a stunning dress, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the color of togetherness. ~~~~~

Magic shoes, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a rare gem, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a corrective tool,

And...

A bond that never ends.

Thank you, thank you, thank you Earth, for red.

When the wanting will end...

Having a baby brings with it a huge list of things to buy. Lately, I have grown a little tired of thinking about all the wants and needs, all the money it costs, and how it feels never-ending.

Maybe it's the heat, it's over 100 degrees here, 87 in the house with a/c, but I'm tired of wanting. I long for the simplicity of highschool summers: swimming in the river, walking around at night in the warm summer air, laughing at the ridiculousness of youth, laying on a blanket writing poetry and dreaming of what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I would like to spend my days floating on the river, reading books and drinking sweet tea, picking flowers, kissing Joe, and exploring with Cosmo.

I hope there comes a day soon, when the monetary wants will end-when I don't need anything-when Joe, Ella, Cosmo, and I can be free.

I hate that Joe has to worry about money, I hate that he has to worry period. I hate that it takes away from his quality of life. He deserves to be living every moment of it.

Sometimes the rules just suck. Sometimes life's terms are just not fair. Sometimes I would like to be a gypsy(I am bohemian after all-and french) and follow the wind, pack my family in a car, and see where it takes us. But alas, my frontal lobe kicks in, and I must think of the consequences.

I guess that's what the weekend is for: stealing a bit of our fantasies and making them a reality.

This feeling will pass, as most feelings of discontent do, but I hope one day I have the simple life I dream of, the life that Joe and I are choosing to create.

When I grow up...

When I grow up...

I want to be a flower, so I can always smile with the sun,

dance in the rain, and fill the world with brillant color.

When I grow up...

I want to be a princess, so I can hold on to the gentleness of femininity, the mystery of the unattainable, and the history of a time, long ago.

When I grow up...

I want to join the earth, for she is constantly changing, growing, and she always knows when to let go.But most of all...

When I grow up, I want to be in harmony, with the me that I am now and the me that has yet to come-for every moment I am growing up and becoming the me I want to be.

Cantebury Renaissance Fair

Fun, Food, and Festivities. Here are some pictures of Silverton's first year having their very own Renaissance Fair. Joe's dad set up a booth where he sold swords, knives, and other medieval weapons. That's a few of us hanging out, enjoying turkey legs, yakisoba, and the scenery. Here I am, enjoying the food a little too much. My mom, dad, and uncle Dale decided to hang out with us for a little while. The guys talked weaponry, us ladies, fashion.

Emily could've modeled these in a catalog. She's a pro. I wonder where she got her love of the camera from...I just can't imagine who.

In one of the cloaks, Joe thought it was an excellent idea to point out the resemblance between Em and one famous little person. Can you guess who it was? Here's a hint... "One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them..."Here are some more random pictures.

It was also nice to have Ella there, hiding amongst the green fabric. I can't wait until she's a little older, so I can dress her up as the prettiest, fairy princess. She will surely be the fairest and the fairyiest of them all.

32 weeks pregnant and counting...

Joe and I have really been focusing on completing Ella's nursery. She is expected to arrive in 8 weeks and I want everything to be perfect. We've decided on a sophisticated, shabby chic, country cottage type motif, with lot's of pink. It's coming along, slowly but surely, and I'm loving every moment of the decorating process. It's kind of like Ella herself. When we first moved in the room was empty and my belly barely a bulge, and now, 5 weeks later, her nursery is taking shape, and so is my belly. I can't wait until both are complete. I will continue to post pictures of both my enlarging stomach and Ella's nursery. I am so proud of both.

Me at 27 weeks, hardly a belly at all. Me at 32 weeks, quite the difference. Oh and I can't fail to mention Cosmo, he is giving Joe and I practice with having a baby.

Look at him, sometimes I wonder about this dog.

Happy 4th of July-Live list-Fairy tales do come true

BBQ with the family.
Today couldn't have been more perfect. The weather was beautiful, the mood- relaxed, and the company-superb. We (my mom, dad, brother, Joe's mom, dad, two younger sisters, Mackenzie, Cosmo, and of course Joe and I) all assembled at my parents for a fourth of July BBQ. We spent the afternoon laughing, telling stories, and getting to know eachother better. I am enjoying every moment of married life and all the gifts it is bringing to me. The gift of an extended family who has so much love, life, and adventure spending time with my own amazing family, it's kind of a dream come true. There was an awesome spread: chicken and steak chipotle kibobs, fruit and pasta salad, and corn on the cob, jazz music playing softly in the background, and Cosmo's wagging tail bouncing to and fro from person to person. Overall it was a perfect day. Exhausting but perfect. I can't wait until we can do it again.

Floating on the Willamette.
I did this today as well. It was quite interesting with my baby bulge and all. Wasn't sure I was going to make it when I first got on the float, the front end kind of sunk and I thought I was going to topple over but with the proper readjustments I was successful. It was pretty funny to watch, I'm sure, and I have to say, I got a kick out of it myself. Good Times.

What a wonderful day.

Ginger in a snap.

I have really struggled lately with being pregnant. I feel tired all the time, I hate gaining weight, and I sweat in 5o degree weather. I have become the biggest complainer on the planet. I've even thought is it possible that I have depression. This past Sunday was the worst, but since then, I have decided to take action, and make the best of the situation. My obgyn's office called today and let me know that I need to take a fasting blood glucose test, the levels of my initial test where high, and they need to rule out the possibility of gestational diabetes. With the news, I felt a sense of calm, could this be the reason for my excessive tiredness, maybe. But, I decided that instead of worry, I am going to do the right things for Ella and I. I know with more exercise, healthier eating habits, and less sugar I will feel better and have more energy. Not only that, but I've started watching shows about newborns and it's impossible to be negative when I see those big eyes and adorable little hands and feet.

To begin my change of attitude, I decided that the first thing that must happen is to change my hair color. I have returned to my old faithful, red hair. It has always been my favorite and it embodies my personality much better than all the rest. Red is the color of passion and I need my passion back. So here is the big reveal... Ginger in a snap.

Gifts my daughter has given me

Even though Ella is still in the womb, she has already given me some of the most precious gifts imaginable.

*She has given me a new respect, and has renewed my sense of awe, with the female body.

**She has given me joy, everytime one of her little limbs kicks and punches, letting me know she is there.

***She has given me the opportunity to look at Joe through new eyes. To see him as he will be-as a father. It makes me cry to think about it. He will be the most wonderful, attentive, and loving father there ever was.

****She has given me an opportunity to look at myself. To search within myself and discover what I can give her. Who I want to be. What I can share.

*****She has given me a sense of the infinite. She and I, one, dependent upon, and independent of eachother. I know it will be like this forever. She will always be my daughter.

******She has given me the title of mother. The most important title in the world.

*******She has given me fear: fear of giving birth, fear of being a bad parent, fear of not being ready to be a mother, fear for her safety and well-being, and so many more. But giving me the chance to overcome these fears and gain strength.

********She has given me the gift of tears. Sometimes it feels good to just cry and goodness knows, that's never a problem for pregnant women.

*********But most of all. She has given me the gift of love. I don't even know her and I love her. She is in all of my thoughts, a moment doesn't go by where I don't feel overwhelmed with love for her. I know she is going to be a beautiful and amazing person-she is her fathers daughter after all-and I can't wait to meet her.

Live list-Portland Art Museum

Joe and I visited the Portland Art Museum this weekend.

My favorite exhibit was the Ganesha, it is the newest edition to the museum. It is a stone sculpture depicting the Asian diety of beginnings and obstacles. It is beautiful, full of lore and history, enigmatic, and has an unending layering of eastern symbolism.

Joe's favorite was a Modern piece by Sanford Biggers titled "Blossom". It is a piano that appears to be growing within a tree. The piano actually plays music.

It's truly amazing.

The art museum doesn't allow camera's, so Joe and I took a few pictures on the doorsteps of this beautiful church next door.

I love him. We had such a good time. I am becoming so pregnant. Seven months next Saturday and a little over 20pnds.
But still sassy.