Four more weeks...

I have four more weeks (give or take a week) of pregnancy and I refuse to gain another pound. Soon my body will be mine again, which I know will be bittersweet because Ella will be out in the world with it's many dangers, but at least I will be able to focus on getting back into a size 4. The end is a strange feeling. With it comes apprehension, excitement, fear. Part of me wishes that I was 2o weeks again, halfway through pregnancy, with so much time to prepare. I fear bringing a child into this world, it can be a heartless place, and I just hope that I can protect her and give her the skills to become a loving, resilient, and strong woman. Naturally, I aspire to give her better than what I had, I just hope I have the wisdom to know what that is, and always, always be patient with her, and celebrate her individuality. There is an incredible amount of things to think about. Joe and I have talked about parenting a lot lately, we've talked about our fears, what we want her to know, and how we can best instill healthy, positive self-esteem. We won't be perfect but I know we are going to work our butts off at doing our best. What a long, strange trip it's been. I feel more emotional than ever, every little kick and punch both pains and warms my heart, for soon she will be seperate from me, and the process of letting go will have to begin. I'm not sure who to thank for this experience. All I know is, I have grown more as an individual in these nine months, than in the 24 previous years. I guess I can thank her for that. Every moment she's been with me I have had a glimpse at the bigger picture, not one full of logic and reason, but the one based soley on love.