Sunny Sunday Afternoons

It was a beautiful January day.  In honor of the sunshine, Joe Ella, and I went out to enjoy it.

 

It was difficult, at first, to pull Joe and Ella away from their books.

But eventually they were convinced.
We walked around downtown and were saddened when we discovered the Blue Pepper is now closed.

We weren't down for long, on we trekked.

 

Ella went on her first carousel ride.

At first she wasn't sure, then she loved it, then it was time for a nap.  All in a matter of minutes.

We decided we'd better get home.

So we walked back to the car.

 

  

And drove off into the sunset.  

After Ella woke from her nap, all she wanted to do was veg on the couch, I felt that was appropriate for the busy day she had.

It was a wonderful day.  Joe and I have decided to do a family outing once a week.  It's interesting to think, one day Ella won't need Joe and I to hold her on her horse or carry her around in a sling, one day she'll be running and jumping and drinking latte's, it really is important to cherish these moments while we have them.

A burden or A blessing: a question of perspective.

I have really struggled this week.  I have felt overwhelmed, unhappy, and run-down.  Every moment, of everyday, something or someone needed my attention.

My house needs me to clean it

Cosmo needs me to play with him, feed him, take him out to potty, retrieve his toys from under the chair...

Ella needs me to do, well almost everything...

Joe needs me...

The bills need me
The taxes need me
My schoolwork needs me
And so on...

Today I was sitting outside when the thought popped into me head, "it feels nice to be needed."  I realized that my life would be so empty if it weren't for the wonderful people and things in it.  I guess the question I ask myself when I wake up every morning should be: will today's adventures be blessings or burdens?  Today it was a mixture, tomorrow...who knows, but it is up to me to make that choice.

Here are some definite blessings:

Ella went to the doctor today and she is in perfect health.  She weighs 14lbs., 1oz, and is 24 in. long.  The doctor said she is probably teething and not to worry to much about the daytime naps if she sleeps 13 hours a night.  Not worrying about her naps is such a relief, because every book I've read, says almost the opposite.

Ella is so tender and affectionate and completely adorable when she first wakes up in the morning.  Ella and I were sleeping in, and Joe came home from school, we woke up, and this was the scene.
It has to be one of the sweetest things ever. 




Ella loves Cosmo.  She tries so hard to get his attention, smiling and giggling at him every chance she gets.

She even tries to play with him.

Whenever I eat, Ella wants a taste.  She is so curious about everything I do.  She is so curious about everything.  So
naturally, I shared my pizza with her, she totally dug it.

And finally, she looks so cute doing ANYTHING!  She's growing up so fast, she now eats dinner at the table with us.

I love my little family, even when I can't take it anymore, I still need them, I would be lost without them.

Utterly Exhausted

Although I am feeling quite under the weather, I need to get my thoughts down on some sort of page.  I have been thinking a lot lately, about what would make me happier as a adjust to my new life, here are my ideas:

Final thought for the night

"The Bare Arms of Trees"
 John Tagliabue

Sometimes when I see the bare arms of trees in the evening
I think of men who have died without love,
Of desolation and space between branch and branch,
I think of immovable whiteness and lean coldness and fear
And the terrible longing between people stretched apart as these
branches
And the cold space between.
I think of the vastness and courage between this step and that step
Of the yearning and fear of the meeting, of the terrible desire
held apart.
I think of the ocean of longing that moves between land and land
And between people, the space and ocean.
The bare arms of the trees are immovable, without the play of
leaves, without the sound of wind;
I think of the unseen love and the unknown thoughts that exist
between tree and tree
As I pass these things in the evening, as I walk.

The Verdict is in...

It's 10:48 and I'm up reading "The Fussy Baby Book," when it finally hits me. As a new mom, I have wrestled with every decision regarding Ella's care, I have second guessed myself to death, but the answer has always been right in front of me. All along, my instinct was driving my decisions. I can't believe I ever thought I shouldn't respond to Ella's cries. Not that she would let me anyway, but I realize now, ever fiber in my being screams out, "protect that baby, NOW!" I have decided, that is how it should be. More than anything, I want to be there for her. I want to be a source of security and comfort. She needs to know she can trust and that she is loved. When I am exhausted, this is harder to do, but imagining that she would ever, for an instant, feel like I wasn't there for her tears me apart. No more second guessing, we women are built with an internal alarm, when our children cry, that alarm sounds full blast. Why should it not? 

She is mine, my flesh and blood, she is my precious little angel, and the last thing I would want is to become desensitized to her needs. This makes me think, that already, Ella has taught me so much. I am glad that this high-need baby is my first, because she prepares the way for any others to get the best care possible. I am slowly learning to put my needs away on a back shelf, slowly learning to trust my own feelings, and learning from this great blessing, Ella, that I desire to nurture her with all my heart. Her well being is my greatest priority.

Sunrise and Ginger Peach Tea

When I was a little girl, I had an American Girl Doll, named Samantha. I loved her life so much. She had tea in the parlor, wore elegant and classy outfits, and had the cutest accessories. I often imagined myself in her world. I was a young girl in 1904, before the advent of television, where ladies sat in big hats and sipped lemonade and ate cucumber sandwiches, where they always wore dresses, and etiquette and refinement were not just parts of history, but a part of everyday society. I still think of her from time to time; she sits in a box in my closet, her clothes tattered, and hair wiry from washing, and I miss those days when she and I would play. It's strange how something as insignificant as a doll, can shape who we wish to become, that a doll and her stories, can unlock a door within oneself, where dreams can filter out. They discontinued Samantha and I wonder why? I guess in the 21st century there isn't a place for her in little girls hearts. Why with Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus glam, Samantha and her quiet sophistication cannot compete. This truly saddens me, because the only Samantha I can offer Ella, is one that is almost 20 years old. I hope Ella learns to value the past and all that it has to offer. I hope that in our liberal age, she still finds value in being a lady and being ladylike. I can't wait to buy her the books about Samantha, maybe one day, she'll tell me about the impact they had on her life. In the end, I will never forget my precious little doll, how much she taught me about who I wanted to be, and I will never forget mornings in the parlor and the drinking of tea.

Under Construction

After talking with Megan, I decided to start up my blog again. I want Ella to see her life from the very beginning. I've talked to my mom a lot lately about my childhood and there is so much she doesn't remember (it was 25 years ago after all) and I want Ella to be able to ask questions and get them answered. So this is my attempt at honoring all of the things easily forgotten.