Hair

Looking through old pictures, I realize that I have had every hair color possible. I've had light red, deep red, real red, black, brown, light blond, platinum, and so many more. And once again, I have decided I need a change. It is a lot of work to keep up on hair color and in the spirit of fall, colder weather, and less sunshine, I have decided to dye my hair to as close to natural as I can-so I can grow it out-no more hair dye hassels. So mousy-brown here I come!!! This is the color closest to my natural...

















And to finish it off, I will be cutting it. I love this haircut, I haven't had bangs in years.


Change is a coming. Here I go.

What matters most...

I went to my 37 week check-up today, 11 days since my last, and I haven't gained a pound! Not even an ounce! The weight gain is finally over!!! Hooray! But that's not what matters most (although it is quite a relief).


What matters most:
My relationship with my mother.

1. She has always been my best friend, my biggest advocate, my cheerleader, my rock. Whenever I need to talk, she is there. Whenever I need to vent, she listens. Whenever I need someone to understand, she tries to.
2. Thank you mom. Thank you for taking me to tea rooms, where I grew to love finger sandwiches and jasmine tea. Thank you for sharing your love of botanical gardens and spending afternoons enjoying them with me. Thank you for acting goofy and silly, for dancing wildly to "Heart," and teaching me about love and the importance of it penetrating every area of my life. Thank you for teaching me to hate what is bad and love what is good. Thank you for being Unique. Thoughtful. Selfless. Creative. Kind. Sassy. and My partner in crime. I love you with all my heart.

My relationship with my husband.

• He has loved me as I am, right from the start. He tries to give me everything, when all I want is him. He comes with me to every doctors appointment, even the not so fun ones, and he stays right by my side. He doesn't judge me for my failings or run from my rants and raves. He listens patiently and genuinely tries to help. He gives to everyone. He is the most loving person I have ever known.
• Thank you my dear sweet husband. Thank you for reminding me that there is light, when sometimes all I see is darkness. Thank you for reinstilling the trust I had lost in all of humanity. Thank you for being a man I could truly respect and adore. Thank you for trying so hard to understand how complicated I am. Thank you for the laughter and thank you for the love. Thank you for being Amazingly Creative. Loving. Genuine. Giving. Hilarious. Silly. Sensitive. Adventurous. and the father of our lovely daughter Ella. Couldn't have done it without you. You are my heart.
  

And we both look very European in this picture.

My relationship with Cosmo, my poochy.

• He has taught me about patience, consistency, and unconditional love. He crawls into my lap when I cry and kisses me. He has given me a glimpse into his world, a world of dogs, their language, their motivations, and their loyalty. We have shared many adventures and he always has energy for more. I have watched him grow, conquer fears, and make doggy friends. He knows me better than most and he doesn't even understand my language.

Thank you Cosmo. Thank you for showing me my weaknesses and pushing me to overcome them. Thank you for renewing my love of nature, long walks, and thank you for making me laugh. You are such a goofy dog. Thank you for giving me the chance to do it right the next time. Thank you for being Goofy. Inquisitive. Energetic. Loyal. A Canine. Playful. Smart. And a good Friend. Thank you for showing me I always have more to learn. You will always be my first, "baby." My relationship with Ella, my daughter, scheduled to arrive any day now.

• She has given me so much and she isn't even born. I have touched on this in previous blogs and can't wait to expound on it in the future. Hopefully she and I can be as close as my mother and I are. Thank you Ella, for an end in sight. Pregnancy is very tiring. Thank you Ella, you are a part of me.

My relationship with myself.

• I am glad to be socially conscience and aware. Even though being sensitive has been a curse at times, I wouldn't change the innate love I have for every being, non-being, and idea. I have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge and LOVE to learn. I may have let myself down in the past but I never stay down for long. I am a fighter. A soldier. A child of the sixties born 30 yrs too late. Wild yet cautious. Introspective. A mystery to even myself sometimes. I wouldn't have it any other way. And most importantly a work in progress. Me. I am only me and that is beautiful.

Other things that matter most.

• My relationship with the earth-the eternal mother.
• My relationship with humanity-my link to the bigger picture.
• Love
• My dad of course and my brother. (They are certainly not afterthoughts.)

And peace baby! Peace!

Four more weeks...

I have four more weeks (give or take a week) of pregnancy and I refuse to gain another pound. Soon my body will be mine again, which I know will be bittersweet because Ella will be out in the world with it's many dangers, but at least I will be able to focus on getting back into a size 4. The end is a strange feeling. With it comes apprehension, excitement, fear. Part of me wishes that I was 2o weeks again, halfway through pregnancy, with so much time to prepare. I fear bringing a child into this world, it can be a heartless place, and I just hope that I can protect her and give her the skills to become a loving, resilient, and strong woman. Naturally, I aspire to give her better than what I had, I just hope I have the wisdom to know what that is, and always, always be patient with her, and celebrate her individuality. There is an incredible amount of things to think about. Joe and I have talked about parenting a lot lately, we've talked about our fears, what we want her to know, and how we can best instill healthy, positive self-esteem. We won't be perfect but I know we are going to work our butts off at doing our best. What a long, strange trip it's been. I feel more emotional than ever, every little kick and punch both pains and warms my heart, for soon she will be seperate from me, and the process of letting go will have to begin. I'm not sure who to thank for this experience. All I know is, I have grown more as an individual in these nine months, than in the 24 previous years. I guess I can thank her for that. Every moment she's been with me I have had a glimpse at the bigger picture, not one full of logic and reason, but the one based soley on love.

"Fear" Sarah Mclachlan

This song is so haunting, I cried. This is a new favorite of mine.

Ode to the color red

Sometimes I find myself so passionate about things. Yesterday I was thinking of the color red, I was cooking dinner, and I began chopping a tomato when I became awestruck, once again, with the color. And I started thinking of all the things that I love that are red, the power the color holds, and how, it's been my favorite color for as long as I can remember.

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RED~you are a lover's muse

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the gift of life.

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A rare sunset. ~~

a beautiful rose,

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a stunning dress, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the color of togetherness. ~~~~~

Magic shoes, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a rare gem, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

a corrective tool,

And...

A bond that never ends.

Thank you, thank you, thank you Earth, for red.

When the wanting will end...

Having a baby brings with it a huge list of things to buy. Lately, I have grown a little tired of thinking about all the wants and needs, all the money it costs, and how it feels never-ending.

Maybe it's the heat, it's over 100 degrees here, 87 in the house with a/c, but I'm tired of wanting. I long for the simplicity of highschool summers: swimming in the river, walking around at night in the warm summer air, laughing at the ridiculousness of youth, laying on a blanket writing poetry and dreaming of what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I would like to spend my days floating on the river, reading books and drinking sweet tea, picking flowers, kissing Joe, and exploring with Cosmo.

I hope there comes a day soon, when the monetary wants will end-when I don't need anything-when Joe, Ella, Cosmo, and I can be free.

I hate that Joe has to worry about money, I hate that he has to worry period. I hate that it takes away from his quality of life. He deserves to be living every moment of it.

Sometimes the rules just suck. Sometimes life's terms are just not fair. Sometimes I would like to be a gypsy(I am bohemian after all-and french) and follow the wind, pack my family in a car, and see where it takes us. But alas, my frontal lobe kicks in, and I must think of the consequences.

I guess that's what the weekend is for: stealing a bit of our fantasies and making them a reality.

This feeling will pass, as most feelings of discontent do, but I hope one day I have the simple life I dream of, the life that Joe and I are choosing to create.